It would be an understatement to describe my title defense as a disaster. A real life comparison doesn't even exist. It would be like if the 1970 Marshall Football team won the championship the prior year. #RIP (prayer hands emoji)
I've done a terrible job managing my team, and a poor job of running the league this year. For the latter I apologize. I'm destined to be co-owner next season, and rightfully so. With that in mind I've put together a PR of owners I would like to co-own with.
I know the four people that actually read this are all like "WTF bruh", but I don't care. I'm a selfish person and Fantasy Football caters to it.
1. Taylor
Taylor hasn't found much success during his time in the league, but it's not for lack of effort! We used to (possibly still do) joke about Ole Bun not knowing dick about sports, but he's made strides in at least pretending to know who various NFL players. I never really talk with Taylor outside of the GroupMe line, so spending an NFL season conversing sounds like fun.
2. Cha
With the arrival of a mini Cha any day (month?) now, I fully expect to never see Cha again. Having Cha as a co-owner would be like running my own team.
3. Mike
Mike brings a wealth of knowledge, but clearly has no idea how to manage a team. With my help, he could finally avoid making his yearly "shot myself in the foot" trade. Also, I know how to bid more than $1 on a player. Mike's availability on GroupMe is a detriment however.
4. Drew
Like Taylor, only better dressed. Drew has already shown the ability to work well as a co-owner. He would be higher but I worry about all the jealous / threatening texts I would get from Justin.
5. Eric
Fending off Eric's insistence that we draft Tyler Eifert and "take a chance" on the Bengals 3rd string RB would be a chore on draft day. After that it would be mostly smooth sailing as Eric generally checks by Week 3.
6. Tim
This feels a little high, but reordering everyone would be a pain now. Tim's fully capable of setting a lineup.
7. Ryan
Ryan would be higher in my rankings if I wasn't so afraid that he would sabotage the team as soon we lost a couple games. He's also IMPOSSIBLE to trade with. Getting the two of us to agree on trade with ANOTHER team would be hell. Ryan should be lower in my rankings.
8. Jesse
Jesse's only this low because I worry about the influx of Mock Draft emails I would receive in June. In my head this would work well; Jesse is generally available on GroupMe and I think he still watches NFL games. Jesse should be higher in my rankings.
9. Andrew
Andrew's involvement level is directly tied to how good the team is. Remember when the Titans were 12-0 and Andrew got a full body Kerry Collins jersey tat?! This would be a really fun season if we put a solid team together.
10. Dave
Dave is good, that's clear. Without looking I'm going to say that we have the two highest winning percentages in league history. No way that's true, but it's how I feel. I don't see this potential partnership working out well. We are both very controlling / opinionated. We would spend far too much time arguing about who we should put in our flex spot on a given week.
11. Jason
The arguments would move from 6th round sleeper picks to personal attacks in record time. On the plus side, when Jason goes on hour long breakdowns of his team, he would be, in part, talking about my team too.
12. Justin
Justin has repeatedly told me that he will quite the league and/or kill himself if he is named co-owner. I don't want that.