It's rivalry week and in honor of Donald Trump winning the electoral college and becoming President-elect I did the PR with the theme "Shitty Presidents"
1. Nixon - Mitch, Nixon actually did a ton of great things (opening China, creating the EPA, supported a version of healthcare similar to Obamacare), but he was corrupt as fuck, started the DEA, gave Elvis a badge, and other terrible shit. Mitch has a great team, but he is probably cheating, and one day the tapes will come out. Mitch set the points record last week with his best player on a bye week. His team is full of guys ranked in the top 10 at their positions.
2. Buchanon - Justin, Was only president to be a lifelong bachelor, he lived with a man who other politicians referred to as his wife, he wrote love letters to men, and wrote to his closest friend, a woman, about how he was having trouble finding a "gentleman companion". He did everything he could to tell everyone he was gay, but officially, we've never had a gay president. Also, he was so terrible, that he served one term, didn't even run for a 2nd, and was the Presdident when the south seceded and formed the Confederate States of America. Justin is gay and his team good, but not as good as Mitch's.
3. Reagan - Taylor, Little experience, lots of ideas, looks great on the surface, doesn't stand up to history if you start looking at how his policies affected anyone that wasn't white, straight and rich. Crack epidemic, AIDS crisis, Iran-Contra, sky-high crime rates, death of the inner city, etc. Taylor's team has been succesful, but if you look beyond Brady and Antonio Brown it's a little shaky. He had the second lowest score last week, and has a lot of players on bye this week (maybe Shady will get healthy!).
4. Trump - Mike, it makes no god damned sense how he got here, his team is full of garbage people punching above their weight (Newt as Sec of State, Rudy as AG? What. The. Actual. Fuck), is a bully, runs hot and cold, somehow keeps failing his way up the ladder. Melvin Gordon! and 31-year old Matt Forte are both putting in top 5 RB seasons and Mike Fucking Wallace scored 184 last week. Mike has had the low score for the week and the high score for the week. He is also a bully, hates Mexicans and probably voted for Trump.
5. LBJ - Andrew, Extremely paranoid, he's the one that installed the tape recorders in the oval office that eventually screwed Nixon. Loved to intimidate his rivals by whipping his dick out, or making them watch him shit. Blind loyalty to the strategy of escalating the war in Vietnam led to his downfall. Andrew loves to put dick pics and weird shit in the line just to get a reaction. Is also paranoid as fuck. His blind loyalty to Bortles has probably made his team worse, but may ultimately be successful.
6. Bush (Cheney) - Dave/Jesse, brother probably better qualified, but not given a chance to show it, started off with both people having almost equal power but one asserted his dominance once things got shitty. Is always right, even when he isn't. Seems dumb, probably isn't. Would be fun to get high with. Was WAY under-qualified to acheive what he acheived. Expectations were low, probably still didn't meet them. Team is 4-5 and still in hunt for playoff spot. Not a single player outside of TE and DEF with a single digit player ranking. Lots of injuries to key guys, how they fuck aren't they last. Just like Bush, they're only not the worst because of how bad others have been.
7. Carter - Cha, Carter was a failure, but he had a real shitty set of circumstances out of his control, (gas shortages, Iran hostages). Hipsters and revisionists think he was pretty good in retrospect. One of the signature events of his tenure was when he fired his whole cabinet in one day. Cha made a couple big trades and fired his whole team. It's not bad now, but due to stuff out of his control he's out of the playoff spots if the season ended today. He'll probably look back on this team and wonder why he didn't get better results. Maybe Cha will do something useful with his life once he quits the league like build houses for the homeless.
8. McKinley - Eric, McKinley was hand selected and controlled by the founders of GE among other companies. He was a complete corporate shill that did everything he could to make it so GE didn't have to pay taxes and could keep a monopoly. He picked Theodore Roosevelt to be is VP in order to keep him from trying to break up GEs monopoly as Governor of New York (that backfired Bigly). He brought the country into an un-necessary war under false pretense and was killed by an anarchist who hated corporations. Other than that he was largely forgettable, like Eric's team
9. Taft - Jason, Taft was fat, from Cincinnati, had facial hair good at plenty of things, but not great at anything. Was more interested in being Chief Justice of Supreme Court than being President. Didn't screw anything up too bad, but his mentor (Teddy R) lost faith and ran against him in 1912. AFter a ton of trades this year, I'm basically in the same position I was before any of the deals, a fringe playoff team, but not a championship contender at all. I care more about fantasy basketball.
10. Hoover - Elkins, Hoover was extremely qualified when he came to office. He was a very successful self-made business man, lived and worked in China for several years and spoke fluent mandarain, organized a relief effort in Belgium during and after World War one that saved millions of lives. He came to office at the height of the roaring 20s and things looked great at first, then the bottom fell out October 29, 1929 and the Great Depression started. At the time Hoover was widely considered a disaster, and FDR was the savior, but looking back historically all of FDRs programs didn't really do much more for the country than Hoover's did other than keep people busy. Elkins team has been good all year, he has the most points scored in the league, lots of good qualifications, but he's 3-6 and barely hanging on to any hope of a successful season, and will be regarded as a failure by history regardless of how good of a job he actually did putting a team together.
11. Franklin Pierce - Drew, Franklin Pierce was the best looking president of all time according to a Google search that led me to HottestHeadsofState.com/us-
12. Millard Filmore - Tim, There's an elementary school in Colorado Springs named for him, that might be the most noteworthy thing about Fillmore. Tim's team isn't good, he is already elminated from the playoffs I don't want to think about these dumb metaphors anymore.