Welcome to the week 2 Power
Rankings! They in no way will be related
to the week 1 Power Rankings! (Fuck
Mitch, amirite?) Having only played two
weeks, I mostly just looked at your roster and made judgements based on that
and whether or not I believe you’ll do anything to get better. Please know that I will always actually
believe I am best, and will win.
Also, while watching the GOP debate
last week it occurred to me that they were the biggest collection of clowns in
America other than my own friends. You
will be given a perfectly accurate comparison from among those fools. I would vote for 8 of you over any of them.
It didn’t seem right to compare
just one of us to Donald Trump. Instead,
he is our GroupMe line. Just saying
awful thing after awful thing, and yet, we can’t get enough of it. Our GroupMe line is racist, sexist, and will
also never, ever be president. We are
full of bluster, will troll for the joy of it, and like the Donald, we would
all fuck his daughter, Ivanka.
Rankings
1. Tim - He is 2-0 and putting up big points. Tom Brady is going to destroy the
league. Tim looks like a contender. Or
Brady will come back down to earth, he won’t be able to replace broke ass Jay
Cutler, and he will go like 5-7 and just miss the playoffs. As Kevin Garnett would yell, “There are just
a few possibilities!!!”
More than anyone, I bet Tim hates that I am kinda talking
about politics. So, he gets the
lady. Carly Fiorina says she hates
politics too. They both have nice asses.
2. Dan - If Romo didn’t get hurt, Dan would be number
one. Luck has struggled at the start,
but he will be great, and Julio is near the top at WR. He doesn’t have an elite RB1 but if Foster
comes back healthy he will be solid. He
has depth at every position…fuck, I will hate if Dan wins again.
Rand Paul is short, and extremely sure that no other opinion
but his own is correct. His political
success has been dependent on a member of his immediate family. Dave is Rand, Rand is Dave.
3. Ryan -This was a shock to me as well. But he is 2-0 and leads the league in points
scored. Elkins’ bold strategy of waiting on a QB til the point in the draft where
Drew was too tired to make us laugh could pay off big. He has Gronk, 3 quality RBs, and a host of
WRs who can score big in any given week.
However, I am more confident Elkins will screw it up with a trade than I
am that Tyrod Taylor and Carr (omg, remember when Taylor drafted in his car?)
will be competent enough to get Elkins some playoff glory.
Sometimes I forget that Chris Christie is running for
President. Then he’ll just pop in and
say something dumb or funny and I’ll think, “hey that guy is running for
President”. Elkins doesn’t say much on
Groupme, but it usually makes me laugh when he does. Also, I could totally see Chris Christie
doing this jersey taunt thing Elkins is pretending he is doing.
4.Cha - I know he is 0-2, but I really like this team and he
has put up a lot of points. Two good
qb’s, solid depth at the flex positions, and Martavis Bryant should be killer
when he gets back from suspension. Cha
will do a good job of adding through the waiver and trades. One question?
DeMarco Murray has less yards than carries…is it worth holding onto his
handcuff if the line can’t create any holes?
Thanks for Ivory, Cha!
Scott Walker. He is
from Wisconsin and loves cheese. He will
probably drop out of the race this week, and Cha is always a candidate to drop
out of our Groupme line for a few months.
5. Eric - Putting up big points behind two good RBs. I’m not
sure Kaepernick or Newton will be both healthy and good all season,
though. He is off to a good start, but
can it last if he neglects to upgrade his bench? I hope I play Eric later in the season…
If I am looking for a doctor for my child, I’m looking to
Dr. Ben Carson. He is an accomplished
doctor, probably has a good family, and I bet he’s great at tennis or
something. But, why the fuck is he
running for president? He doesn’t know
anything about politics, or governing, or like anything but being a doctor and
talking ‘bout Jesus. Does he even actually want to win? Eric set up our draft nicely, knows how to
remodel a kitchen, and does whatever he does at GE extremely well. Why is he so bad at fantasy?
6. Jesse - I am worried about Jesse’s mental health…He posted
159 comments about return TDs this week, and he has to know we only read about
40 of them. All 40 said the same
thing. He does have Big Ben and great WR
corp, though. That counts for
something.
Mike Huckabee hates gay people. He will somehow tie every
issue to how much he hates gay people.
If Mike Huckabee had to suck a guy’s dick to get rid of all the gay
people, he would do it and then kill himself.
Jesse wants return TDs more than Mike Huckabee hates gay people.
7. Jason - During a freshman year Team Up meeting, Coach
O’Connell shared the story of how his teenage nephew had killed himself through
auto-erotic asphyxiation. I’m not sure
if it was meant to scare us away from drugs or jerking too much, but it was sad
and weird and mind blowing to our 15 year old minds. (Who knew there was an even better way to
strangle your dick!!!) The coach was
crying by the end, and it made me feel bad about how much I hated that he was
still talking. Anyways, I would rather
listen to that speech on an infinite loop than hear Jason rattle off five
reasons why his team is actually better than it seems.
Jason is so old I couldn’t think of someone from this cycle
to compare him to. I guess he is Dick
Cheney. Old and cranky and I worry about
his heart.
8. Justin - Five reasons my team is actually better than it
seems;
- Mike Evans has been hurt. Dude scored 12 tds last year! Once he gets healthy, he will go back to being a No. 1 WR
- C.J. Anderson has started off with some bad matchups against a solid Ravens D, and then at the Chiefs on a short week. He’ll bounce back.
- Sam Bradford is leading an offense that just met yesterday, they have talent and will be crazy good in no time.
- If I had started Allen Robinson I’d be 2-0
- Um, IDK, let’s see…how does Jason do this so quickly every week…surely I can start playing a better TE than Owen Daniels?
Marco Rubio actually seems like he reads policy papers and
comes up with positions of his own. He seems like a good candidate, but hasn’t
quite caught on yet. I listened to
about 500 hours of fantasy podcasts over the last month and then came up with a
gameplan on draft day. My team is
middling at best.
9.Taylor - He just beat me and should be ranked higher, but I
needed to have myself follow Jason for a joke…Taylor had a pretty good draft,
and has made a few shrewd waiver pickups.
He is proving to be competent owner, even while we doubt and mock
him. Drew Brees isn’t what he used to
be, and he has no second RB, but maybe he’ll figure out a trade as well? IDK, I
don’t want to bet against him.
God, this is hard.
George Pataki is a guy who is running for president. Really, look it
up. Taylor is a guy playing in our
league. Pataki’s wife is also named
George. Look it up! The similarities are endless!!!
10.Mitch - I think his team is better than its showing and he
will eventually be pretty good. I’m sure
he will have himself in the top 5 in the week 3 rankings. No one on this team
is bad and no one is great…he will have a tough time deciding on who to start
each week and that will lead to a lot of bench points. IDK…if he can swindle someone in a trade
again he can make the playoffs, I guess.
Did you know Ted Cruz graduated from Princeton and Harvard
law school? He clerked on the Supreme
Court!!! Why is he so dumb? He is so
convinced of his rightness he will never realize how little support he
has. Hey guys, Mitch has worked in the
fantasy football world for ten years. He has one championship. Way to go dummy.
11.Drew - At a certain point during the draft, after he had
made his 6th-7th terrible decision I began to wonder if
maybe Drew was on to something by selecting guys irrespective of their
ranking. I was wrong to question my gut,
this team is as ugly as Drew is beautiful.
Matthew Stafford has been shaky and may be hurt. Tevin Coleman has been a bright spot but is
definitely hurt. Maybe Drew thought he
was reselecting Le’Veon when he took Joique Bell so early?
Wasn’t the conventional wisdom that Jeb Bush was the more
competent Bush brother, and that his brothers failed presidency hurt Jeb’s
chances at a successful one? Yet, here
he is attempting lame burns on Donald Trump and being boring as fuck. Dude has one line he repeats over and over
again, “In Florida they called me Veto Corleone”. Drew seems like he should be better at
fantasy than Taylor, but is he? He also has a limited selection of memes, but
one of them is Wat Dog, so I can’t really complain about it.
12. Mike/Andrew -This team has two real stars; Lacy, who
will be out for a few weeks, and Bortles who is plastered on the bench. How long before Mike lets Andrew guide this
team to a 8-11th place finish?
It’s better than 12th.
When Rick Perry announced 4 years ago he became an immediate
frontrunner, and people acted like he had a chance. We were all fooled. He is already dropping out of the race. He makes corny jokes, and I hear he has a
huge dick. He is Mike. For the last billion years Lindsey Graham has
been John McCain’s sidekick. He burns
anybody that attacks McCain and until now didn’t seem to want to be anything
but a fierce little sidekick. He trolled Trump earlier in the year and it was
actually pretty funny. I hear he hates
big titties. He is Andrew.